Happy Groundhog Day...I guess

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm a little bitter. No, in fact I'm really bitter. I thought we'd all be celebrating this day off together. Instead I'm just reminded of how far we still need to go for groundhogs to receive the respect they deserve for their great work.

But you know what? I won't let this discourage me. We groundhogs have been discriminated against for thousands of years. We're strong and resilient. We'll get our due. And when we do, it will be all the more sweet!

Happy Groundhog Day everyone! And all you groundhog-haters out there, know your days are numbered. Next year, there will be no holding us back!

Famous groundhogs in history

With Groundhog Day only a few days away, I’d like to take the time to remember some of the great groundhogs from history. You may have not heard about some of these names, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t true (just don’t try looking it up on Wikipedia, as everyone knows, that’s just stuff people make up). It just shows how the education system is failing us.

Groundgang Amadeus Mozhog – He was most famous for the intricate and beautiful melodies he crafted. What is less well known is that before him the only notes that were available were A, B, C, D, E, and F. It was one night when he was thinking about hw much he loved being a groundhog that it dawned on him, what about a G note?! Music would never be the same again.

Groundwin Schrodinhog – He was famous for his controversial thought experiment known as Schodinhog’s Groundhog. As we all know, it a groundhog sees his shadow, its means 6 more weeks of winter. If he doesn’t it’s an early spring. But before this determination is made, is spring early or not? Schrodinhog showed that in fact spring is both early and late (a superposition, if you will), and only by coming out of his hole does the groundhog collapse the spring wave function into one of two states.

Groundcent Van Ghog – One of the greatest painters ever, he was creator of the masterpiece, The Starry Groundhog. What he is perhaps best known for, though, is the time he cut off his ear out of distress when his girlfriend believed the spring predictions of another rival groundhog.

Groundhugh Hephhog – This media mogul founded Playhog, a men’s interest magazine featuring scantily glad photography of female groundhogs. It revolutionized the print industry, and brought groundhog’s desires to the forefront of the public’s awareness in ways it had never been before. Now in his 70s, he lives in a mansion surrounded by scores of beautiful young groundhogs, making him my personal hero (if only he would return my calls).

Groundohn Adahogs – He was the true writer of the Constitution. Unfortunately, when the other members of the Convention changed it to read “We the people” instead of “We the groundhogs,” he was so mad that he refused to take credit for writing this great document.

Stop hatin' on groundhogs

As I work to make Groundhog Day a federal holiday, I am constantly reminded of how the Marmota Monax is misunderstood by society. For example, did you know that most groundhogs live only 6 years in the wild? That's not even legal drinking age! What's with that?! This is just another example of how short-sited society is in making laws that affect groundhogs adversely. There's something called dog years. Clearly this was instituted so that dogs could begin drinking at a reasonable age. But you never hear about groundhog years! With the dawning of the Obama association, I have hope that one day groundhogs may be fully integrated and accepted into society. But when I see things like groundhog recipes, I realize there's still a long way to go.

Respect the Groundhog!

Gandhi was an amazing man. For example, did you know that when he died his only possessions were two dinner bowls, a wooden fork and spoon, some porcelain monkeys, his diary, a prayer book, a watch, a spittoon, a letter opener, and two pairs of sandals? True story. He didn't even own a DVR! Thinking about the example of Gandhi and the causes he fought for made me realize that I need to stand up for a cause myself. And I've found the perfect cause to fight for, namely myself!

That's right, I'm beginning a movement to make Groundhog Day an official national holiday. Now you may callously accuse me of just wanting another day off each year--and you'd be right. But honestly, who doesn't want another day off? Furthermore, think of all those groundhogs that work tirelessly to predict the weather each year. If Columbus gets a holiday, shouldn't groundhogs also be rewarded? I mean, seriously, how many Native Americans have groundhogs murdered?

For any successful campaign, you need a catchy slogan. It's a law of physics or something. So I began thinking about the true focus of this movement. Well, it's about groundhogs, and it's about respect. Put the two together and you get Respect the Groundhog. And here's the official campaign poster:


I know what you're thinking. Before I was singing the praises of Gandhi, and Gandhi always preached non-violence. This picture doesn't really fit that image. All I can say is give Gandhi a break; nobody's perfect.

Finally, the other crucial thing one needs to be able to bring people together for a cause is having a Facebook group (it’s the 2nd law of physics). So we've created a group you can check out at www.groundhogrespect.com. Be sure to sign up, so you can get all the latest news on this important movement. Also, tell your friends about it because only by working together can we fight the injustices against groundhogs (which incidentally includes me).